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Kibe to Lead Kenya’s First-Ever Self-flagellation Ritual

“Kenyan men have become lambistic pieces of sh*t,” Kibe barked with his whip in hand.

Speaking from Austin, Texas, Kibe declared that most Kenyan men are puny and deserve a good whipping “The Lambistry in Kenya stinks to the high heavens.” He said. The self-flagellation ceremony is set to occur once Kibe returns to Kenya.

“Since I am the biggest Kinuthia, I will lead by example and whip myself properly, starting with my eyes.” He explained. The procession will start at Sabina Joy in Nairobi and end in Langata for obvious reasons.

“After the whipping, we will become born again. New men ready to dominate the world. We will no longer be Kinuthias.” He told our reporter via a Zoom call.

He finished by announcing that there would be enough whips for the attendees, so there would be no excuse not to attend the ceremony.

Attendance has been confirmed by Terrence Nganuthia, Kabahanyee Mtoto wa Diana, Thee Puny (not to be confused with Willie the Puny AKA Willie Kadinya, who will also be present), Luo Vandross, Ringtone Kapoko, Kabi wa Judas, and KRG the donkey AKA KRG the thong. Short Strokes from Mombasa will also make a guest appearance.

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